7 dating tips for Mormon women, helpfully mansplained for you

Single Mormon women: You’ve been hijacked by dangerous feminist ideologies that prevent you from recognizing that you can never be happy without a man. Any man. So sisters, get with the program.

Over at Mormon Game, there’s a piece this week that is so craptastically from a different century that it seems like satire but regards itself with utter seriousness.

Single women, listen up! You are up a creek without a paddle. You need marriage. You need motherhood. And you are falling short.

7 dating tips for Mormon women, helpfully mansplained for you

You had also better hurry; that pesky clock is ticking. Whereas men only get more attractive as they age because they gain a career, a house, [and] life experience, your equivalent economic success and life experience are essentially worthless and can even be liabilities. What matters most are your body and your appearance:

What happens to women as they age? The window of opportunity for birthing children becomes shorter, they become jaded and lose their cheerful visage, and they become stuck in a lifestyle that makes a family less practical.

Think about it logically as if you were a man. Would you date the old career women who doesn’t [sic] have time for a date except on Saturdays, or the sprite 19 year old who eagerly awaits what’s ahead of her?

So: single Mormon women over the spritely age of 19 . . . We don’t want you to you lose your cheerful visage! THANK GOODNESS that this author has provided 7 tips for you based on his life experience and observations. (Sadly, he reports that he is already taken himself, but perhaps by following his advice you can find another Mr. Collins exactly like him.)

1. Admit you have little chance of getting married.

He begins his article with a stark reminder of the statistics about how much more difficult it is for you to find husbands than it is for Mormon men to find wives, and how severely outnumbered you are demographically.

But sisters, if you’re imagining that his acknowledgment of reality will spark compassion for the impossibility of your situation . . . uh, no. It’s still entirely your fault that you are single, as you will see in the other six tips. So you’d better get busy.

1. Get over your bitterness.

All you old single women are bitter, says our author. A lot of this is due to the fact that you read dangerous feminist blogs and fantasize that Heavenly Mother is real. It’s probably just because your aging female brains desiccate at such an alarming rate that you get these ridiculous ideas about gender roles.

The key for getting over your bitterness is to put men first. Nothing is more important than men. Duh. Why wasn’t that obvious?

If a desirable man asks if you are free for a date, you are free. Don’t be afraid that you come off as desperate. Unless you are foaming at the mouth crazy, the eagerness you display is a good thing. Make time for him. Practice dating behaviors that any 19 year old would practice to snag a good boyfriend. Do whatever it takes to emotionally take yourself thereyoga, meditation, telling yourself that you are beautiful, etc. You don’t have to be emotionally invested in a man to make time for a date on Friday night.

So sisters, if you kД±sa sarД± saГ§lД± ГјnlГј kadД±nlar don’t have the good fortune to actually be 19, which is clearly the gold standard in ages for datable women, just pretend that you are. Make like you don’t have your career, and your calling, and your family, and your mission experience, and your extensive network of satisfying friendships . . . and return to the girlish lass you used to be before you, you know, began actually adulting. If someone with whom you cannot imagine a future deigns to ask you out, reinvent yourself as if you just graduated from high school.